I’ve been thinking for few days and I made my decision. Yet I ask some more people just to recollect more thoughts I could use later. Alhamdulillah so far, so good. I begin to think this is amazing but I am not happy about what I’ve become in some way. It’s the way I treated some. I become a monster in order to protect my privacy (of which is not good). There, I can see that is my weakness. I am not brave enough to compete in real world out there. It’s important to admit it myself then I can change it for better. Maybe I can figure how to be more of selflessness at least some.

.

I was there. I mean I used to help other people and expect them to return me the favor in some other way maybe. Sure I got disappointed when ‘that people’ didn’t help me at the end of the day when I needed them there. Then I learn the first thing got into my mind is that I help other ppl for the sake of myself. I do it because I want to help them. I figured he or she might forget what I do for him or her one day but whatever because I don’t mind. I don’t give it a damn! I do it this time because of Allah and that’s what I wanted to do. And that’s the end of it.

I still remember the day we had our UNGS paper. The moment ustaz said ‘okay you can stop writing’ it was a huge relief! But then I look around sadly I don’t find ‘anyone’. Now my head cant stop thinking of my-mersing’s friends. You know, I admit it..I’m not a good person. I am bad as a person, as a friend, as a daughter, as a woman..very bad one but I never stop trying to be a better person. Infact I rise up hardly each time everything falls apart.

Mama and mira once sad ‘kak long ni lurus sangat la!’. i was very happy they said that and the very next moment I realized that’s not a compliment maybe to them but not to me. To me, that only equal to one thing… that I am weak. I sat quietly and think about that. Can I go far?

Then I saw the 4 musketeers in front of me. ‘I have them’ I mumbled alone. I don’t blink my eyes looking at them. They were smiling and talking expressing how they are relieved for the paper has finished. Then I remember Reen. I got afraid what would happen after the years we’ve been apart from each other. Can we get along again? Especially after the years went by we were by ourselves, meeting new people, having different things. I just hope things would still be the same as before. I think she is an outstanding person. She understands me more than I think she could. Me on the other hand, I don’t know if I understand her well. Sometimes she’s too kind and I always love her.

I have many friends in UIA. Some new, some I’ve know for years. Some know me and some don’t. Along the years we walked together there were many things I learned from them and many stories behind us. There were goods and bads but that’s what life is right?- people who don’t know me they say..“fatin ni baik, pendiam and pemalu”.thank you. But that’s merely part of me. the real me? You have to find out by yourself. I am the first in my family. I have 5 brothers and one sister. And yes I am hot-tempered. For those who understand me thank you very much. For those who don’t please don’t judge me cause I hate people judging me though I am for sometimes very judgmental (still, I give other people chance to prove themselves). I don’t get angry at people for long time.

Im sorry if I hurt anyone. But here’s the thing, people make me angry and I would be very. very untalkative ( I prefer myself to keep silent whenever I get upset). I don’t talk because I need time to chase away that angry mood inside of me. I need my time then I can talk. I don’t go around and simply talk because if I do than that would be a hypocrite one. I have my own reason.

As for Reen, if u read this entry..i just want you to know I miss you so much. I really miss our times back in Mersing. I think that is something that I’m very grateful for. Knowing you is one of the best things happened in my life. You know, you are one those ppl I always love and close to my heart. I pray that u are happy in whatever u do and I know there’s always someone better u deserve.

study study..that’s all in my head.urgh..risau je lebih study nyer kurang hehe..that’s me.last time i went back home, konon2 nyer i can focus more but it turns out the other way around.but honestly i never regret anything because spending time with family is all i ever wanted. i love them so much!!

oke..so UNGS final xm ws over.BioCHEM next in line,later is ANAT and then MOLEC and PHYSIO.wish me luck n doakn i’ll can get all As..:))

NOw, people always ask me ‘peminat cite hindustan ke?‘ with that face.to be true, i dont really like that.my sister pon act the same when ppl ask her the same question.i dont know, but for me ppl ask me that and it didnt feel right. sometimes they didnt say it but their faces were saying “how come u like cite hindustand?” i hate it because we didnt come from a malay family.my father is org jawa and my mother’s father (my aruah grandfather) from india.we has our own excuse.

i know how much my mom love his father.last time, ppl from india came to our house and she cried alot because they remind her to my aruah grandfather.so evrytime ppl ask ‘peminat cite hindustan ke?‘ we’ll answer no and ‘actly,ktorg tgk cite hindustan just like korg tgk cite malayu’.it’s in our blood!! i know some ppl didnt mean to be rude asking us but we dont really like it when ppl ask.my aruah grandfather talked broken malay and mama said he even had his urdu accent while talking in malay. my mom understand urdu and she can speak urdu

last time our relatives from india sent a letter to us here in M’sia. mama was so excited because to her it feels like reconnecting with her father. she watch cerita hindustand because of her father.because they speak like my aruah grandfather.mak (my grandmother,we call her mak) always told us how aruah atok sayang mama. there was time mama went back home from uni by texi and atok followed behind by motorcycle because she cared so much about mama. he just wanted to make sure mama safe and secured. no wonder la mama is so perfect. she love us so much just like what her father did to her.

oh ye,mak speak tamil.i dont understand much but some.i know it’s complicated.pakcik2 on mama’s  side is very close  to me.they like, my 2nd father.not that i dont close to pakcik2 on abah’s side. u know how hindustand ppl love their family and sometimes get dramatic..well, tht’s how our family is on mama’ s side.no matter how bad or good they are, i always love them from the very bottom of my heart.mama only has 3 brothers and the rest is her kakak tiri..the best thing about mama is she always help other ppl even though at times we have short of money..still, she’ll lend other ppl her money.

i sit with my brothers n sister.we talked about mama n abah n we all agree having them is a bless from Allah swt. we love them so much.they are ..perfect.

currently listening to akele tanha-Tulsi kumar

i think this is what a guy should do~

-to love his wife for her heart

-to love her all the way through goods and bads

-to help her to become someone better

-to respect her because that’s what every woman wants

-to give commitment in relationship

-action speak louder than words..but sometimes tell her that u love her (once in a while, not in every second)

-to share the happiness

-to give all the support she needs

-to tell her u are not okay when u are not

-to apologize when u are wrong..

-to say thank you sometimes

-and sort whatever the prob is via discussion dont simply leave her clueless

-most important is..to accept her for who she is

because it takes alot for happiness to last..right?

*hehe some of my friend da xsabar nak kawin

i said to my friend “no wonder la xnmpk lg btg hidung bakal suami coz if he’s there in front of me i would go very xsabar-nk-kawin haha”

but now i learn how to do many things. i go talk to ppl. it never been easy for me at the beginning. oh trust me..my hands shaking during the first meeting. i was nervous and scared looking at those new faces. thousands of questions come to my mind..will i do this? who am i going to talk to? can i finish? when? how? what?then i go..STOPP!! breathing becomes harder and i dont feel comfortable at all. Now, look at me i guided them where to go and most importantly i can breath! haha it is no more hard. some friends of mine they help me going through it all. i enjoy doing this.

Well, if anyone out there and some of you guys still think u can’t do this, u can’t do that think again because u never know till u try. Look at me, i mean maybe u dont know me but i tell u it is worth trying something new if it helps to make u a better person. always becoming a someone BETTER.

at the time being, i still in process of learning how to manage my time properly. there are exams, responsibility, and revision and memorizing that i hv to handle. Grrr..so many of them. but that’s my choice. I PRAY TO GOD to help me in someway, teach me how to do this on my own. I BELIEVE IN HIM.

this is me. i’ve heard some ppl say..u can’t do it..but i deny that. Allah promised to those who work they will get reward of what they deserve.

salam.

So anyway, my friends used to tease me around and they’d say im a microphone stealer. well that’s true because i am a microphone stealer. but i dont steal in shops i steal it from their hand. there was this time we went for a karaoke blast time. it was honestly my first time and it was good though i went back with a guilty feeling inside of me.  i just love singing so much but i wouldnt go there anymore. mybe it’s from my father’s trait. i mean who knows he wanted to be a singer long before, right? so like father like daughter

but trust me i dont wanna be a singer