I prefer JUST that

Talk about daring..i don’t think I’d give it a try but here’s a chance..

I still remember the day we had our UNGS paper. The moment ustaz said ‘okay you can stop writing’ it was a huge relief! But then I look around sadly I don’t find ‘anyone’. Now my head cant stop thinking of my-mersing’s friends. You know, I admit it..I’m not a good person. I am bad as a person, as a friend, as a daughter, as a woman..very bad one but I never stop trying to be a better person. Infact I rise up hardly each time everything falls apart.

Mama and mira once sad ‘kak long ni lurus sangat la!’. i was very happy they said that and the very next moment I realized that’s not a compliment maybe to them but not to me. To me, that only equal to one thing… that I am weak. I sat quietly and think about that. Can I go far?

Then I saw the 4 musketeers in front of me. ‘I have them’ I mumbled alone. I don’t blink my eyes looking at them. They were smiling and talking expressing how they are relieved for the paper has finished. Then I remember Reen. I got afraid what would happen after the years we’ve been apart from each other. Can we get along again? Especially after the years went by we were by ourselves, meeting new people, having different things. I just hope things would still be the same as before. I think she is an outstanding person. She understands me more than I think she could. Me on the other hand, I don’t know if I understand her well. Sometimes she’s too kind and I always love her.

I have many friends in UIA. Some new, some I’ve know for years. Some know me and some don’t. Along the years we walked together there were many things I learned from them and many stories behind us. There were goods and bads but that’s what life is right?- people who don’t know me they say..“fatin ni baik, pendiam and pemalu”.thank you. But that’s merely part of me. the real me? You have to find out by yourself. I am the first in my family. I have 5 brothers and one sister. And yes I am hot-tempered. For those who understand me thank you very much. For those who don’t please don’t judge me cause I hate people judging me though I am for sometimes very judgmental (still, I give other people chance to prove themselves). I don’t get angry at people for long time.

Im sorry if I hurt anyone. But here’s the thing, people make me angry and I would be very. very untalkative ( I prefer myself to keep silent whenever I get upset). I don’t talk because I need time to chase away that angry mood inside of me. I need my time then I can talk. I don’t go around and simply talk because if I do than that would be a hypocrite one. I have my own reason.

As for Reen, if u read this entry..i just want you to know I miss you so much. I really miss our times back in Mersing. I think that is something that I’m very grateful for. Knowing you is one of the best things happened in my life. You know, you are one those ppl I always love and close to my heart. I pray that u are happy in whatever u do and I know there’s always someone better u deserve.

Err..couple?

some people think that is the solution..well, i dont.

peminat cite hindustan ke?

hari ni hari sabtu..

study study..that’s all in my head.urgh..risau je lebih study nyer kurang hehe..that’s me.last time i went back home, konon2 nyer i can focus more but it turns out the other way around.but honestly i never regret anything because spending time with family is all i ever wanted. i love them so much!!

oke..so UNGS final xm ws over.BioCHEM next in line,later is ANAT and then MOLEC and PHYSIO.wish me luck n doakn i’ll can get all As..:))

NOw, people always ask me ‘peminat cite hindustan ke?‘ with that face.to be true, i dont really like that.my sister pon act the same when ppl ask her the same question.i dont know, but for me ppl ask me that and it didnt feel right. sometimes they didnt say it but their faces were saying “how come u like cite hindustand?” i hate it because we didnt come from a malay family.my father is org jawa and my mother’s father (my aruah grandfather) from india.we has our own excuse.

i know how much my mom love his father.last time, ppl from india came to our house and she cried alot because they remind her to my aruah grandfather.so evrytime ppl ask ‘peminat cite hindustan ke?‘ we’ll answer no and ‘actly,ktorg tgk cite hindustan just like korg tgk cite malayu’.it’s in our blood!! i know some ppl didnt mean to be rude asking us but we dont really like it when ppl ask.my aruah grandfather talked broken malay and mama said he even had his urdu accent while talking in malay. my mom understand urdu and she can speak urdu

last time our relatives from india sent a letter to us here in M’sia. mama was so excited because to her it feels like reconnecting with her father. she watch cerita hindustand because of her father.because they speak like my aruah grandfather.mak (my grandmother,we call her mak) always told us how aruah atok sayang mama. there was time mama went back home from uni by texi and atok followed behind by motorcycle because she cared so much about mama. he just wanted to make sure mama safe and secured. no wonder la mama is so perfect. she love us so much just like what her father did to her.

oh ye,mak speak tamil.i dont understand much but some.i know it’s complicated.pakcik2 on mama’s  side is very close  to me.they like, my 2nd father.not that i dont close to pakcik2 on abah’s side. u know how hindustand ppl love their family and sometimes get dramatic..well, tht’s how our family is on mama’ s side.no matter how bad or good they are, i always love them from the very bottom of my heart.mama only has 3 brothers and the rest is her kakak tiri..the best thing about mama is she always help other ppl even though at times we have short of money..still, she’ll lend other ppl her money.

i sit with my brothers n sister.we talked about mama n abah n we all agree having them is a bless from Allah swt. we love them so much.they are ..perfect.

currently listening to akele tanha-Tulsi kumar